Back in January of this year, I wrote a post called Mojo, after receiving an email from a friend about exercising. She said, “I’ve become so freakin lazy. Feel like I’ve lost my mojo.”

Her email made me think about how I went from someone who lived next door to her fancy expensive gym but couldn’t muster up the motivation to actually get there, to someone who regularly traveled by subway to all corners of the city to take my beloved fitness classes — and told as much to the New York Times.

My main point from that post was this:

Exercise has become so ingrained in my life and has truly become something I love. Exercise has become a priority and a given.

I felt like I couldn’t longer relate to how my friend felt. I understood it because once upon a time I had been there, but now that I saw and felt everything exercise did for me, I could not imaging any other way.

And then last week happened.

The pain and pressure in my stomach that started suddenly one evening never dissipated. I tried to run 8miles on it and miraculously made it to 7.5.  In fact, it kept getting worse. I spent my entire second week at my new job sitting at my desk, unable to eat, feeling sick and trying to be on top of my game as I tried to do my job well, attend meetings with CEOs and overall make a  good impression.

I was able to put on a good show at work. What I wasn’t able to do, however, was exercise. Not only was I not able to — I did not want to.

For the first time in a year and a half, the thought of exercising was daunting, overwhelming and completely unappealing.

Scheduling my classes for the week, an activity I normally love and work on multiple times throughout the week, was just not something I was interested in doing. When Jess posted her weekly Say It Do It post, instead of commenting with my weekly plans as I usually loved to do, I closed the page. I couldn’t even consider an entire week of exercise. No interest.

I did not open the Refine schedule. I did not open the Core Fusion schedule. I almost attempted waking up a couple of mornings to run, but shortly before falling asleep I reset my alarm to sleep instead.

To be totally honest, I was not feeling well. I wasn’t able to eat anything without experiencing painful spasms, and while on the Cooler Cleanse from Tuesday through Friday, I was not able to drink more than four of the six juices each day — if that. I was nauseous, but luckily not eating stopped that pain from happening. But four juices a day is not enough to subsist on, let alone work out on. I did not have much energy. I felt weak and a little lightheaded. Working out would have been stupid and irresponsible.

But my attitude went beyond that. It was more than just not feeling well. I did not even welcome the idea of returning to exercise even after feeling better. The thought of it was revolting! I felt lazy. I  felt smothered by the idea of making exercise a part of my daily routine again. I wondered how, after experiencing the luxury of waking up at a decent hour, getting ready for work leisurely, and coming home right after to rest, would I ever want to make working out a regular part of my life again.

And I felt so weak that I couldn’t imagine ever not feeling that way. I felt like I lost so much of what I worked for so easily. Walking up the stairs in the train station seemed like too much. I took the escalator.

I thought about the Queens Half Marathon just a few weeks ago. I felt so strong, the speed came so easily. And my 14 mile run the following week was also phenomenal. How could I run 14 miles a few weeks ago, and now the thought of a single flight of stairs overwhelmed me? How would I ever run 14 miles again? Much less 26.2?

After an endoscopy on Friday, I spent the rest of the day in bed resting. I also spent much of Saturday resting before getting out and enjoying the beautiful weather. I had signed up for the NYRR Long Training Run Sunday. But late Saturday night, still feeling a bit weak, I turned off my alarm. I missed the entire sixth week of marathon training.

But on Sunday evening, I made a choice. I was going to slowly ease my way back into exercise. I took a full week off from any exercise at all, for the first time since January, 2010. At most I had taken a few days off in a row. At most.

I was able to eat on Saturday, and I was started to feel better. I ran 3 miles. They were not easy miles, but they also were not the worst miles. I went next door to the treadmill at that same fancy gym I once belonged to. I forgot my headphones and had to run the entire treadmill run with no entertainment, just my thoughts. And I did fine.

That run gave me the boost I needed.

The next morning, I went to Refine Method. I emailed Brynn, the owner and instructor of the class I signed up for, to let her know about my situation — which, being my friend, she already knew. But I wanted to be extra clear: I had not been feeling well, I had not worked out in over a week, my stomach might hurt, I might feel weak, I will be taking it easy. I wanted to ease back into working out.

The class was rough. I am used to feeling strong and confident at Refine, but yesterday I felt like the weakest one there. I did my best and I allowed myself to go slow. During jumpbacks, normally one of my favorite exercises, I started off slowly and eventually changed to step-backs, a slightly easier version. Normally, I am the person taking the harder modification.

During triceps with the kettlebells, I switched to a lighter weight rather than try and push through. I felt very aware of my limitations. And while the entire class was difficult and I certainly did not love it, I got through it and felt great after. And hungry — a very good sign.

And this morning, in an attempt to resume my marathon training this week (I simply crossed last week’s workouts off as though I did them), I ran 7 miles on the treadmill since it stays dark outside now. I gave myself permission to do less, but as the run went on I felt better and better.

And now I am back on track. I’m not going nuts scheduling classes like crazy, but I am easing back into my routine, most importantly my marathon training. I don’t think missing a week will ever hurt anyone, and because of the Queens Half Marathon I was already ahead in my training anyway.

After this morning’s run, I am no longer doubting my ability to train for the mararthon. I am no longer feeling a lack of motivation. My own mojo is slowly but surely returning.

The mood and energy boost I felt after Refine yesterday — despite the fact that it was not even close to one of my best workouts — and after my long pre-work run today . . . nothing else can make me feel this way. It is good to take a week off sometimes when you feel burnt out. I might not have even realized this if I hadn’t gotten sick. And no, I don’t believe my stomach pains were at all related to exercise — they were (and still are) very clearly eating related. The doctor saw something not normal with my stomach. But that week put my training and my attitude towards exercise and rest in perspective.

And now I am back. I walked into that fancy gym last night and once again became a member for the remainder of my marathon training. I happily signed the forms. I am not overwhelmed. I am not feeling smothered. I felt invincible to feeling a lack of motivation to exercise because I just loved everything it did for me. I heard others talking about it, but simply could not imagine, at the time I wrote that Mojo post, that it would happen to me.

But it did. And now I am back to myself. Just slightly wiser.

The other day Diana from My Marble Rye sent me a tweet:

I responded and explained that I’m not comfortable sharing my typical day of eating because I am so limited by my GI illness that I don’t eat in a way that others should emulate. Sometimes I get incredible emails from readers telling me I inspired them to work out, to join Core Fusion, to start running. The last thing I want to do is inspire people to eat the way I do.   I can’t eat fruits or vegetables for the most part, as well as most whole grains.

I eat to try and keep my pain and symptoms at bay. I don’t eat to live the healthiest possible life. I don’t want anyone to choose to eat the way I do. For me, it is not a choice.

I couldn’t agree more. And I am happy to tell anyone and everyone who will listen to me to eat real food!  Lots of vegetables, fruit, sprouted grains/whole grains, nuts. To avoid meat and dairy when possible, but when you do eat it, try your best to make sure the animal was not part of a factory farm, was not given antibiotics and growth hormones, was not treated horribly. If an ingredient list has words on it you can’t understand, don’t eat it. Stick to actual, real food (that your body recognizes as FOOD) and you will have more energy,  feel satisfied longer, have more energy. Then, along with your workouts that include regular strength training, you can get that “toned bod” Diana mentioned.

I do the best I can given the fact that I can’t eat the foods considered healthiest.

And even when I avoid everything I think bothers me, I still don’t always feel well. Right now I am starting another 3-Day Cooler Cleanse because I have spent the last four days in pain and I have no idea why. On Sunday night I strongly considered going to the ER because I was in the worst pain of my life; the only other time I remember hurting so badly was the last time I went to the ER. I didn’t go for a number of reasons, the biggest being that I know the source of the pain — trapped air in one particular spot right in between where the two sides of my ribcage meet. Even if the ER doctors believed me (which is doubtful) there is nothing they could do about this other than give me painkillers, muscle relaxers or anti-spasmodics. I have all those things at home. And considering I couldn’t even sit up or roll over in my own bed, the thought of sitting for who knows how long in a waiting room, filling out forms, was more than I could bear.

I stuck it out and on Monday felt well enough to go to work, although I was still hurting. I don’t do juice fasts often because not eating is hard. I love food and I always wonder, during the cleanse, why I am doing this. But I keep thinking back to that one juice fast in December, 2009. After that I felt great for 10 months. And I think about how much it hurts right now to eat anything; that same spot spasms after each bite. And I think about the fact that if I can’t eat, I’m not getting nutrients. These next three days will provide me with much-needed nourishment.

I haven’t exercised since Saturday, when I tried to run through the pain (bad idea). I canceled Refine on Sunday (not that it was much of a choice, I could barely stand) and after being up nauseous during the night last night, I purposely slept through my run today. Marathon training will still be here next week. I hope. Right now I am focusing on getting better. I don’t know why my stomach decided to do this now. I haven’t been sick like this in a couple of years. I do think that after this Cooler Cleanse, as I clean up my eating as best I can, I will be much better. And if I am not, it might be time to try to find a  doctor again, one who actually understands. A very difficult undertaking.

So if any of you were also curious about what I eat to get a sense of my whole “healthy lifestyle,” I hope you can understand why I am unable to do that. Maybe one day. But not now.

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I get upset easily. I am a crier. I do not have a thick skin. This is a flaw. I don’t like it about myself and I don’t recommend you try this at home.

It is because of this flaw that I feel the need to defend myself to idiots on the internet.

I left a totally innocuous comment on one of my favorite blogs, Melissa Nibbles. She was talking about people jumping on the gluten-free/sugar-free/whatever else-free bandwagon and explained that she eats all those foods and her stomach feels fine. I commented and said:

I’m still waiting for people to join me on the “I’m giving up salad bandwagon.” Talk about making my stomach hurt.

What I did not say:

• No one should eat salad! It is bad for you.
• I hate vegetables and I won’t eat them!
• My body feels better when I eat crappy foods than vegetables, so I will eat crappy foods!

Nope, said none of those things. All I said was that salad (not vegetables; salad) makes MY stomach hurt. “Hurt,” by the way, was a euphemism for “be rushed to the emergency room while screaming in pain.”

A commenter by the name of Cat felt the need to respond to my comment, since she was able, by use of her extremely advanced brain power, to know exactly what I meant when I said salad makes my stomach hurt:

Dori I’ll join you on that no-salad bandwagon. My insides feel waaaay better when all I’m consuming is bread, beer and meat compared to when I’m eating vegetables at every meal.

I immediately went back to my own comment, because I had no recollection of saying I eat meat. As a vegetarian, it doesn’t sound like something I would say — but Cat seems to know all, so she must be right! I also don’t drink beer. While I never liked the taste, now I physically cannot drink it because it is a bloating agent as I am sure many of you know. And about those vegetables. Last I heard, vegetables — especially cooked vegetables (which I CAN eat!) — are not the same thing as salad. When I say salad, the first thing that comes to mind is a bowl with a good amount of raw lettuce or spinach — the foods that would completely debilitate me. I cannot eat raw vegetables.

I know I should have just let it go. Who cares, right? It’s the internet and people are jerks and can hide behind the cloak of anonymity.

But I couldn’t help myself. I can’t explain it, but I feel this need to defend myself on the internet. I don’t want people thinking incorrect things about me and I felt frustrated at the complete misreading of my comment. Ask any of my friends or family — they will tell you I am one of the cleanest eaters they know. People come to me for nutrition advice! I write a health blog! So the insinuation that I eat crap foods — all because “salad makes my stomach hurt” — offended me. Cat falls into the category of “What is wrong with EVERYONE?!”

Listen, I am all for dissenting comments. I don’t want anyone to be scared to say what they are thinking in my own comments section. If you call me a self-entitled c*nt (Hi John!) I might call you out on it, but you don’t need to agree with whatever I am saying. I welcome and encourage all types of comments as long as you’re not an ass about it.

But I can only appreciate dissenting comments when there is some sort of basis. Some facts or knowledge. And if you don’t know what you are talking about, either research it or simply ask! Cat could have said “Dori, why does salad make your stomach hurt? Do all vegetables do that? What do you eat?” Instead, she assumed that I meant I hate vegetables and love meat and beer, and she attacked. And since when is it OK to judge someone else’s pain?

So I replied.

Cat — That sounds like an exciting diet but as as a vegetarian and non-beer drinker (chronic stomach illnesses destroy all the fun!) I won’t be able to join.

I expressed my point concisely, although I could have been less abrasive. I generally try not to be passive aggressive and I think I failed here, but at least I said what I needed to say.

I doubt Cat clicked through to my blog, but if she did she might have seen that my most recent post at the time linked to this article about my ordeal with a chronic illness that keeps me from eating some of the healthy foods I love. But my guess is that Cat is not someone who does much reading.

And by the way, there are other people in my no-salad bandwagon. I know this because they have contacted me after reading my blog to commiserate. And guess what? They are all people with digestive illnesses. And none of them are happy with this restriction.

It kills me every day that “salad makes my stomach hurt.” I want so much to be able to eat this food that I loved before I got sick. I wasn’t denying that salad is healthy; the fact it is so healthy makes me SAD that I can’t enjoy its health benefits! Which is why I drink green juice instead. Which is sort of like beer and meat.

The next time you’re about to click that submit button on a comment, think for a second about whether you are being an uninformed jerk. Read this great Hollaback Health post on leaving dissenting comments. And then, if your comment is still ignorant and this is truly who you are, go ahead and click submit.

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