My Tummy Hurts

In August, 2007 my life drastically changed. One day I was fine; the next, I was suffering from a chronic gastrointestinal illness. I was 24 years old.

Although it started abruptly, it also started slowly. Over the next few months, I gradually  felt worse and worse. My stomach, which was for the most part flat, began to look distorted, bulging in different parts. I was bloated and began gaining weight, even though I maintained the same healthy diet as always. It became impossible to work out at the gym; the pain I felt while on the elliptical was intense. Because I had gained weight, I would force myself to stay on the machine. The pain came in spasms.

Eventually I could no longer make it to the gym.

I stopped going out with my girlfriends because I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes and I refused to accept this. Or I felt so uncomfortable that the idea of leaving my bed, leaving my pajamas was too much to bear.

A salesgirl called me thick.

I went to see the first gastroenterologist. She didn’t believe me. Because she refused to treat me, I ended up in the emergency room.

I went to see the second gastroenterologist. He diagnosed me with IBS and told me I needed invasive, uncomfortable, humiliating treatments that I did not actually need — I found out later that a simple test could have told us if these treatments were necessary. I had the test; they were not. I tried medications and combinations of medications. I had test after test, procedure after procedure.

He told me to stop eating any foods high in fiber — fruits, vegetables, whole grains. In other words, anything healthy. Up until this point, I was eating oatmeal, salads, fruits and whole wheat breads. Once I stopped eating these foods, I felt dramatically better. Much less discomfort, much less pain. I still felt bad, but not nearly as bad.

Fiber was the enemy. But how could I be healthy without it?

I went to see a new gastroenterologist. “This is not IBS,” he said after hearing my story. More tests. More medications.  He sent me to the fourth GI for tests. “This is not IBS,” he also said. More tests. Finally some answers — the transit in my colon was virtually nonexistent. More medications. Nothing worked.

I went to see two more gastroenterologists. They both recommended I see a surgeon. Surgery might be my only chance at living a normal life.

I went to see a surgeon. After reviewing all my tests and x-rays, he recommended surgery. “I really think you will feel much better,” he said.

I went to see two more gastroenterologists.

I went to see another surgeon.

I started eating cooked vegetables again. They hurt me, but I worry about the long term effects of NOT eating them. I read the China Study and I know how important fruits and vegetables are for preventing diseases, particularly cancer, which runs in my family. I started eating whole grains again. I try to eat these things in small amounts, but they still cause discomfort. I conveniently chose this time to become a vegetarian with strong vegan tendencies as well. Good for my stomach? No. Good for my long term health? Without a doubt.

I am constantly in pain. I am always uncomfortable. My clothes do not fit me. I buy bigger clothes. They do not fit me either. I bought maternity pants. They were ugly.

My official diagnosis is colonic inertia.

This means I experienced nerve damage to my colon. Right before my problems started back in August 2007, I was throwing up for a few days with a stomach bug. It is possible that the antibodies that tried to attack this bug also attacked my colon. It happens all the time with people’s stomachs, their hearts. For me, my colon.

I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I can never commit to anything because I never know how I will feel. I missed my friend’s wedding. I missed a New Year’s celebration. I missed my best friend’s birthday. The thought of getting dressed is too overwhelming for me to bear. I can’t handle it. I live in pajamas and sweat pants. I go to work at the nation’s largest bank in workout pants.   I can’t live the rest of my life without eating healthful foods. I can’t live the rest of my life paying for weekly or even bi-weekly colonics. I am only 26 years old.

I will likely have surgery, a total colectomy, in April, 2010. I will need a month off  work for the surgery and recovery. Luckily (?) for me, my job is set to end March 31.

I keep wondering how this happened. How I was fine and then not. How I put on a pair of jeans with ease at one time. I can’t imagine it. Sometimes I wonder if this is even real. How do I know I am not making this happen? How do I know my head isn’t controlling this? Is this real?

Surgery might not even work. But what other choice do I have? I eat healthy foods and feel awful. I don’t eat healthy foods and worry about the long term effects. I  am sick of wearing sweatpants everywhere. I am ready to be a normal person again.  Sometimes my belly blows up in a hard block of air. I look pregnant. Then I wonder if I will ever be able to have children like this? I need to have surgery.

I have a dream to run a marathon. If I have the surgery, will that dream be shattered? If I don’t have the surgery, will that dream be shattered?

My blog is about my efforts to eat healthy, exercise and have fun while battling this illness.

*Update: For the time being, I will NOT be having surgery

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